Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (2023)

Today I am going to answer whether you should expect your ex to contact you first in the post-breakup period.

In my opinion, it is much more important that you first contact an ex with the right attitude. Often the expectation that your success during the post-breakup process depends on an ex showing extreme interest in you is exaggerated and inconsistent with what we see in practice.

In this detailed guide, you will learn

  • Why it's so important to be in the right frame of mind before talking to your ex
  • Why it doesn't matter who starts the conversation, but who ends it
  • What Research Has Taught Us During the No Contact Rule About Exes Who Approach First
  • Why my team and I believe that communicating first is almost always the right move

Let us begin!

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (1)

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The importance of being in the right frame of mind

look at this picture

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (2)

This is essentially a "bird's eye view" of the process we teach our clients, assuming they want to get their ex back. Well, if that doesn't interest you, I still recommend that you pay attention to what I'm going to say next.

Everything about this diagram works because of this part here,

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (3)

Die No-Contact-Regel!

Lately, in almost every article I write about it, I talk about how most of the people who come into our orbit thinking they know everything about the no contact rule don't really know as much as they think they do.

Take our official definition,

(Video) Should I Wait For My Ex To Contact Me First? | Does My Ex Want Me To Reach Out?

The no contact rule refers to a period of time in which you cut off all possible communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic is NOT to make your ex miss you, but to rebuild your own life so that you can get over your ex. In this way, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.

The important part of that definition that often gets overlooked is this part here: "The intent of this tactic is NOT to make your ex miss you, but rather to be used to rebuild your own life so you can get over it." , your ex".

From an attachment style perspective, most of our clients tend toward more anxious behaviors.

  • They are desperately trying to win back their ex boyfriends.
  • Thinking that the problem in the relationship is their fault (when it usually isn't)
  • they beg
  • they beg
  • Has trouble staying disciplined
  • They just want to resolve this breakup as soon as possible.

One of the interesting patterns I noticed during the interviewsuccess storiesIt's just that many of them mentioned that they were in the mood even before talking to their ex.

They were over her ex.

He agreed that the relationship ended.

In some cases, they even felt too good about themselves. In other words, they have attained the entire unattainable personality.

And I really took this concept of being in the right frame of mind before you talk to your ex very seriously. There is only one problem, what is the correct attitude?

Well, in my opinion you have to have something in your life that you like more than your ex before you start talking to him.

I like to call this my concept of a magnum opus, something that gives your life more meaning outside of your romantic relationships.

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (4)

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And really, the no contact rule is the perfect time to start fermenting that mindset. So what do I usually tell myClients for personal coachingIt's just that they shouldn't even think about contacting an ex first until they're sure they're over their ex.

Of course, there is another stereotypical obstacle that I struggle with, especially when dealing with female clients.

Why it doesn't matter who starts the conversation, but who ends it

Our clients tend to focus on a data point that they found first.

(Video) Should I Wait For My Ex To Contact Me First? | When's The Right Time To Reach Out?

Really, that gets to the heart of the whole discussion we're having here in this article. Clichés in America have taught us that a guy (or girl) who doesn't approach you first isn't interested in you.

Maybe this has some merit when it comes to regular romantic relationships, but when you add a breakup to the mix, the issue gets a bit more confusing.

It wasn't until I became familiar with a concept called the Arnik Cursor Effect that all my thoughts about who is texting whom began to change.

Simply put, the pointer effect occurs when an interrupted activity is easier to remember. It states that people remember unfinished or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks.

To use a direct example. Imagine that this is the natural course of a conversation,

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (5)

Suppose this conversation is inherently pleasant. So when it starts, it's not particularly interesting or satisfying, but the more time spent on it, the more interesting the conversation becomes.

Of course, nothing good lasts forever, and if the conversation is given enough time to get old, it eventually loses its momentum.

But according to the Arnik Cursor Effect, if you end the conversation abruptly in the middle, near the climax,

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (6)

Your ex is much more likely to remember this conversation better than a welcome conversation. What does that mean?

Well, in my opinion, this suggests that the beginning of a conversation is not as important as the end.

As long as you can have a conversation, you don't want to remember how it started. the end is

And some other research actually supports this suggestion.

It's called the endpoint rule.


The peaking rule is a cognitive bias that affects the way people remember past events. Strong positive or negative moments (the "highlights") and final moments of an experience (the "end") weigh heavily in our mental calculations.

The tips and ends.

We remember that.

Well, if the beginning is an emotional high point, then yes, your ex will remember it. However, how many "emotional highs" occur at the beginning of an abandoned conversation?

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (7)

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(Video) Don’t Mess It Up When Your Ex Reaches Out

Not many.

This is my point, stop obsessing over who starts a conversation. What matters is who ends it, and that has to be you.

The biggest falsehood of the no contact rule

Part of the reason we're discussing whether you should wait for an ex to contact you first is because of the biggest misconception about the no contact rule.

Often our clients are tempted by the stories they read online about someone applying a no contact policy and their ex freaking out and blowing up their phone.

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, it does. I'll just argue that it's the exception to the rule. In fact, a few years ago, I polled our private Facebook support group and asked participants who had adhered to the lockdown if their ex-boyfriends had contacted them during this time.

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (8)

More than 60% of the participants admitted that their ex-boyfriends never contacted them. So it seems like this story about the no contact rule being a great tool to get an ex to contact you first isn't entirely true.

And in my opinion, there really are too many benefits to reaching out to them first in the post-breakup period to not consider.

Why my team and I believe that communicating first is the right way to go

There really is a confluence of factors that led me to this decision.

  • Die No-Contact-Regel
  • The nik indicator effect
  • The last peak rule
  • You're in the driver's seat
  • perpetrators

Those are all great benefits of getting there first. Let's go through the list one by one and explain why I think they are benefits.

Die No-Contact-Regel

Usually, when you do this with your ex, they may have some grudges and don't want to contact you, so you have no choice but to be the first to reach out.

Also, the no contact rule will help you get that much-needed “get over them” mentality in order.

The Zeigarnik effect and the last peak rule

As mentioned above, I think in dating these days, the most important thing is who gets to who first, but who ends the conversation first.

(Video) How Long Should I Wait For My Ex?

It's important to add another layer when you're done with the conversation. Doing this at a "peak" time during a conversation creates a lasting impression that can make it easier for your ex to contact you first.

You dictate the terms of the conversation.

Maybe this is where my control freak shows up a bit, but I like the dynamic my clients have in controlling when a conversation starts and ends.

  • You choose when to arrive.
  • You decide when to stop.
  • They convey an impression of confidence.

Their ex-boyfriends see them as more secure people, who know what they want and don't wait for anyone. Like an unattainable girl.


A famous boxing saying.

Should I wait for my ex to contact me first? we realized (9)

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It's not the blow you see that knocks you down, it's the blow you don't see.

The same principle can be applied to text messages.

Standing up for yourself and responding to an ex-boyfriend's text doesn't give you much time to prepare. If there is perhaps one benefit that texting offers, it is the ability of psychics to allow you to prepare.

You can sit down and think about what you are going to say so that it sounds more insightful than if it were implemented.

I guess one could argue that if your ex contacts you first, you can still do this. Could you take your time with an answer?

And you're right, but my point still stands.

In my experience, anxious people who want nothing more than to rekindle things with their ex don't have much patience and are forced to react as quickly as possible.


Here is my point.

You're First has too many benefits to pass up.

So wait, get ready, but most importantly, get over your ex.


How long does it usually take an ex to contact you? ›

Without any prompting, expect to hear from your ex any time between 8 and 75 days. There is almost always the intent and desire to reach out to your ex.

Should I wait for my ex to reach out after no contact? ›

It wholly depends on if you are trying to get over them or get them back. If you are trying to get over them then yes, maybe reaching out after no contact is counterproductive. However, if you are trying to get them back then reaching out is a must.

Should the dumpee initiate contact? ›

Today we're going to talk about if the dumpee should ever contact the dumper after a breakup. The quick and short answer: Yes, in fact I'd encourage it but only if a certain set of criteria is met. And that's what this article is about, showing you the criteria in which the dumpee should contact the dumper.

How do you get your ex to message you first? ›

How To Get Your Ex To Text You First?
  1. Make sure that you have actually done no contact, worked on your confidence, made a lot of positive changes and are doing this for the right reasons. ...
  2. If you feel your ex is cold to you, back off for at least two weeks. ...
  3. Give them something to look forward to.
Dec 16, 2022

How long should I wait for my ex to message me? ›

Wait 4-6 weeks after the breakup for your ex to text you first. If you're nervous or unsure about whether your ex-girlfriend wants to hear from you, you could wait for her to text you. That way, you'll know for sure she's ready to talk.

Can your ex miss you but not contact you? ›

Yes, an ex misses you during No Contact. They miss you because they no longer have what they used to have. Your ex misses you even though you don't talk because they have time to adjust to your absence. This will help them reflect and miss you more.

How do I know if my ex isn't coming back? ›

How to Recognize When Your Ex Won't Come Back, and How to Move On
  • 1 They found someone else.
  • 2 They're enjoying their life.
  • 3 They're reinventing themselves.
  • 4 They don't want to be friends.
  • 5 They block you.
  • 6 They deleted all your photos together.
  • 7 They physically avoid you.
  • 8 They act cold toward you.
Jan 14, 2023

What is he thinking after 2 weeks of no contact? ›

What is he thinking after 2 weeks of no contact? He starts to sense that maybe you might be gone forever. The No Rule Contact will help you see if the strings are attached in your relationship. If he doesn't hear anything from you, no calls or texts in two weeks' time he will start to worry.

Is two weeks of no contact enough? ›

Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better. While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different.

How do you make Dumpee miss you? ›

How To Make Your Ex Miss You After A Breakup
  1. Do Not Try To Contact Them. ...
  2. Do Not Receive Their Calls And Respond To Their Texts. ...
  3. Reinvent Yourself. ...
  4. Meet New People And Make New Friends. ...
  5. Talk To Their Friends. ...
  6. Check Out The Outside Dating World. ...
  7. Take A Vacation. ...
  8. Be Active On Social Media.
Dec 13, 2022

Are dumpers scared to reach out? ›

In short, I'm of the belief that most dumpers ARE NOT afraid to contact their exes. Instead, they're simply falling victim to their natural avoidant tendencies which makes most people think they're afraid of contacting them.

How long should no contact last? ›

The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.

How do you make your ex want you back quickly? ›

Steps You Can Take & Things To Say To Get Your Ex Back
  1. Give Them Space. ...
  2. Apply the No Contact Rule (Yes, Even on Social Media) ...
  3. Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. ...
  4. Make Some Positive Changes in Your Appearance. ...
  5. Make Some Positive Changes in Your Mentality. ...
  6. Allow Yourself to Grieve for a While. ...
  7. Write a Journal.
Dec 2, 2021

How do I get my ex back without begging? ›

5 Ways to Get Your Ex Back—Without Looking Desperate
  1. Start Seeing Another Woman.
  2. Make Yourself Interesting Again.
  3. Get in the Best Shape of Your Life.
  4. Ask Her Out.
  5. Have the “I Want to Get Back Together” Conversation.

Should I check in on my ex? ›

However, it can be detrimental, while you're grieving, to check up on your ex because it can bring back all the negative emotions tied to the relationship and why it ended in the first place. The temptation to check up on your ex is strong, especially when you want them back.

How do you tell if you'll get back together? ›

20 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back
  1. They Make Attempts To Stay In Touch. ...
  2. They Keep You Updated. ...
  3. They Get And Want To Make You Jealous. ...
  4. They Pretend That They Need Your Help. ...
  5. They Keep Bringing Up Your Memories Together. ...
  6. They Tell You How Far They Have Come. ...
  7. They Keep Checking With Mutual Friends About Your Well-being.
Dec 20, 2022

Should I text my ex just to talk? ›

If you just want to apologize and make peace, a text exchange might be sufficient, especially if you think seeing each other face to face again might be too hard or too confusing. But if you want to discuss the possibility of getting back together, that's probably a conversation best had in person.

Will no contact work if he lost feelings? ›

The No Contact rule will work if he has lost feelings to either make or break the relationship. If this distance makes him realize that the relationship was never stable, his feelings might not change.

How do you know if they still think about you? ›

If your ex is trying to contact you, or maybe even trying to speak to you at weird hours, then it might be a sign they still think about you. Another big sign is social media. If they somehow didn't get rid of you via an unfriending or straight block, it might mean they miss you.

Can an ex miss you but not want you back? ›

Someone can miss you but not actually want to get back together. They may think you're great, claim to be crazy about you, or miss the things that ensured they got their needs met, but they don't miss you that much.

How do you tell if your ex is waiting for you? ›

Here are the top twenty signs your ex is waiting for you to help you decide.
  • They contact you again. ...
  • They ask to be friends again. ...
  • They ask to meet up. ...
  • They flirt with you. ...
  • They text you on important days. ...
  • They are still single. ...
  • They post too many pictures with others. ...
  • They take the blame for the breakup.
Jul 26, 2022

How long should I wait for him to contact me before giving up? ›

A week gives the person enough time to thoughtfully respond.

Even though it's a little old-fashioned, some people will wait 3 days after a date to text you back to make you miss them more. Waiting any longer than a week could be a sign they're not interested, and it might be best to let the conversation die out.

How long does it take a guy to realize he misses you? ›

So, a few weeks to two months is the answer to the question, “How long does it take for a guy to miss you?” Typically, men realize what they lost when they can't find a woman with their personality. By then, they learn not all women are the same, and they shouldn't have broken off the relationship.

How long will a guy go no contact? ›

You have to use the no-contact rule for at least two months. You should stop texting or calling him. If possible, also stop interacting with him on social media. With the no-contact rule, male psychology will start to kick in.

When should you return to no contact? ›

The no contact rule generally lasts between 30 and 60 days and is best to use if you've been in a toxic relationship, gone through a rough breakup, or want to work on yourself and eventually get back together with your ex. The no contact rule gives you time to heal and prioritize yourself.

How do you make your ex regret losing you? ›

If you've been dumped, it's natural to want to make him regret his decision. I'm assuming you want to make him regret leaving you because you want him back.
How To Make Your Ex Regret Leaving You
  1. Follow the no-contact rule. ...
  2. Give him what he wants. ...
  3. Move on. ...
  4. Get strong again. ...
  5. Don't take him back.
Dec 18, 2022

Will silence make my ex miss me? ›

The simple answer to the above questions is yes. When you walk away and make him miss you, it's typical for a man to come back to you. The power of silence after a breakup is highly effective in making your partner come back. To start with, going silent after a breakup is a sign of confidence and self-esteem.

How to attract your ex? ›

Being honest is a must in the Law of Attraction. If you really want to get back together with your ex, go ahead and muster the courage to tell her how you feel. Sometimes, you just have to be honest towards yourself and to your ex as well. You can invite your ex to a romantic candle lit dinner and pour your heart out.

How do you know if a dumper regrets? ›

Here are some of the signs your ex regrets dumping you.
  1. They begin to communicate with you.
  2. They apologize for the breakup.
  3. They show more affection.
  4. They discuss issues in their present relationship.
  5. They try to atone for past mistakes.
  6. They show pessimism when you tell them someone else is involved.
  7. They stalk you.
Jul 8, 2022

How long does it take for a dumper to regret? ›

Generally speaking, some dumpers regret their decision to break up only weeks after the incident. Other dumpers need years to feel that way. And some never even arrive at the final stage of dumpers remorse. Instead, they move on to someone else — be it a rebound or not.

What does silence do to a dumper? ›

What does silence do to the dumper? There is no easy way to deal with a breakup, but remaining silent actually speaks volumes to your ex. After all, actions speak louder than words! By staying silent, you're telling your ex that you're strong, resilient, and independent.

Is it best to cut all ties with an ex? ›

You must cut ties with your ex, especially if you're in a new relationship. Your current partner is there to provide you with love and care, not your ex. After you realize your ex is an ex for a reason, you can then move forward and live the fulfilling life you desire.

When your ex hasn't contacted you? ›

It probably has to do with how they are feeling. Perhaps, your ex is still hurt, wants to be left alone, or/and is trying to move on – or possibly, has moved on. Another likelihood is that your ex is waiting for you to contact them first, which is often the case when you have broken up with them in the first place.

How do you really win your ex back? ›

So here's what you have to do:
  1. Don't contact your ex. your ex would think he/she is the best person for you. ...
  2. Don't post negativity on social media. ...
  3. Don't hurt yourself. ...
  4. Don't just get into relationships easily. ...
  5. Go out with friends and meet new people. ...
  6. Start doing something that's been on the Back burner. ...
  7. Take pictures.

What are the chances of getting back with ex? ›

Exes may return in some cases. Since couples break up for various reasons, the circumstances of a breakup may impact the potential for reconnection. A recent study showed that 44% of Americans have gotten back together with one of their exes after breaking up with them.

What do you say to your ex after no contact? ›

I hope you're doing well. It's been a while since we talked. Tell me about what you've been doing in the last couple of weeks.” This neutral response doesn't set up any expectations and gives you some time to converse, feel things out, and then decide based on how you feel.

Does getting back with an ex ever work? ›

The results showed just 15% of people actually won their ex back, while 14% got back together just to break up again, and 70% never reconnected at all. But although it sounds like a small number, a few success stories showed how it is possible to work things out if you put the time and effort in.

How long should I wait to check on my ex? ›

You may want to wait at least 30 days before you speak to your ex after a breakup. You might wait longer if you were together for a few years or more and broke up. Often, a few months to a year can be a suitable amount of time to wait for many individuals.

What should you not do to your ex? ›

So, before we act vulnerable after a breakup, check these 20 tips what not to do after a breakup.
  1. Don't contact your ex. ...
  2. Don't leave any communication open. ...
  3. Don't stalk their social media accounts. ...
  4. Don't remain friends on social media. ...
  5. Don't ask your mutual friends about your ex.
May 20, 2022

What is the most touching breakup message? ›

You were my whole world and now I feel like I have nothing. It hurts me to do this, but I can't keep seeing you. I need to find someone who loves and appreciates me, and that someone isn't you. I know that one day you'll look back and realize that at this moment you lost the best thing that had ever happened to you.

Is 4 months of no contact too long? ›

Well, no contact usually lasts for a minimum of 30 consecutive days, but plenty of experts say more like 60 days is better. And some people choose to go as long as 6 months to really make sure they've moved on before letting their ex back in their life.

How long is too long for no contact? ›

While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren't ready, it's totally okay to extend your period of no contact.

What is he thinking after 3 weeks of no contact? ›

After weeks of no word, he might begin to panic about losing you. He's been hoping and hoping you'll talk to him, but now he's realizing he'll be a permanent ex if he doesn't do something. He'll reflect deeply and, if he wants you back, make a plan to win you over.

How long does it take for a guy to miss you after no contact? ›

According to the experts, it will take between two to four months before he starts feeling lonely. He'll be doing everything possible to block out his emotions during this time. But once he surrenders to them, he'll start missing you.

Will my ex contact me again? ›

An ex will likely come back if they're in a rebound relationship, if the breakup was an impulsive decision, or if the breakup was mutual. Your ex might return if they unblock your number and keep an eye on you with social media. They may also try to contact you again.

How to make your ex miss you? ›

How To Make Your Ex Miss You After A Breakup
  1. Do Not Try To Contact Them. ...
  2. Do Not Receive Their Calls And Respond To Their Texts. ...
  3. Reinvent Yourself. ...
  4. Meet New People And Make New Friends. ...
  5. Talk To Their Friends. ...
  6. Check Out The Outside Dating World. ...
  7. Take A Vacation. ...
  8. Be Active On Social Media.
Dec 13, 2022

How do you know if he misses you without contact? ›

You feel the strong energy around you

One simple way to know that he misses you during the no contact phase is that you feel it within you. It could come as a sudden thought about them, the longing to reconnect, or just wishful thinking about how things could have turned out differently.

What to do when he reaches out after no contact? ›

Try these things on for size.
  1. Think about how it will affect you. ...
  2. If you're currently dating someone, you should consider their feelings. ...
  3. Take your time responding. ...
  4. Keep your response light. ...
  5. Don't rush into a response, friendship, or rebound. ...
  6. Be open and honest with them.
Nov 29, 2018

How long should I wait for him to contact? ›

Give it a few days (or even a week).

Just because a guy hasn't reached out yet doesn't mean he's not interested – he still could be! It might feel tough waiting for him to text you, but your crush might truly be busy and unable to respond to your messages right away.

Will no contact bring him back? ›

While everyone's ex is different, the No Contact Rule does increase the likelihood of your ex missing you and wanting to come back. In essence, it will show them that you are not available for them whenever they want you and that you have your own life to live.

What makes a man miss a woman after a breakup? ›

Loneliness is what makes a man miss a woman after a breakup.

When a man misses you, they will crave the cuddles and the emotional stability and always having someone to do things with. Naturally, they will miss you when this happens. Guys will miss the security and sexual intimacy that they shared with you.

How do I know he's not coming back? ›

He doesn't want to hang out

But if he never wants to hang out with you, it's a good sign he's not coming back. If he doesn't want to spend any time with you, his interests likely lie elsewhere and he's moving on from you. He's moving on from the relationship you had and never looking back.

Will no contact make him miss me more? ›

Does no contact make him miss you? Yes! One of the best ways to use silence after a breakup is to cut off all means of communication. That includes going silent on social media after a breakup.


1. When Will My Ex Reach Out To Me?
(Coach Lee)
2. How To Get Your Ex To Initiate Contact
(Chris Seiter)
3. Talking To Your Ex | THREE TIPS To Manage The Conversation
(Love Advice TV)
4. The reason your ex is reaching out to you. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!
5. Why Isn't My Ex Fighting For Me?
(Clay Andrews)
6. 5 Moves To Make When Ex Contacts You
(Coach Lee)


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